Update & Explanation

[first some pretty music 
for some pretty ears]

Okay...
Seriously... I may be the worst blogger on the planet. I was so excited to start updating my blog again and I even started a timeline entry to catch you guys up on the last few months.....

And then LIFE happened.


Basically, Alex's "deployment schedule" keeps changing and he keeps leaving. Honestly, it's been just one big mess.
I just found out via "boat email" that I'm only going to have a total of 4 days to see him before  he goes on the 6-12 month deployment this fall. (I don't think that violates OPSEC... let me know if it does)
But the 4 days are spread out and he may even have to work.... so I just don't think I'm really going to see my husband until sometime in late 2013. Blah.

But that's not the worst news.

To get started on a deeper and more serious topic, my dad has was diagnosed with prostate cancer about 12 years ago....
and he had been in remission for quite some time. The doctors started seeing some change in the growth a while back. I'm not sure how long ago because I asked my mom not to tell me anything unless it's REALLY serious.... because I can't handle things like that. I knew I'd get anxiety and I would flash all of these crazy images and basically lose my mind. I just love my dad too much to think about that stuff.
Well, he went in for a normal checkup a few weeks ago and the doctor thought he seen a new spot, but wasn't completely sure... so my mom told me and of course I was a mess. The next week when he went for his CAT scan, they determined that not only has the cancer spread into his spine and bones... but it's also spread into his blood.
And honestly, I'm choking up right now and epically failing my attempt to hold back tears.
How can it go from his "spot" slowly getting bigger.... to the cancer being completely spread throughout his entire body?!?
They gave him 6 or less years to live.............. it went from 20 to 6. just like that.
yeah.

He's going to be on treatments that make him really sick for the rest of his life.

So I've just really been a complete wreck lately.
I haven't spoken to any of my friends about it.... I haven't spoken to anyone about it really. My mom and Alex know how much it bothers me... but I haven't really expressed how deeply I'm hurting from all of this.
I think the worst of it is that I'm stuck on this island for another 3 1/2 years... and I feel so guilty. I should be at home with my family.... especially because Alex isn't even here.
I also HATE that my parents are struggling so hard with money... and their house falling apart... and my dad having to fight this cancer... they just don't deserve it.
It honestly kills me inside.


I'm going to try to continue to blog...
but I'm in a really weird place in my life right now.

“God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea”

Psalm 46:1-2 NLT

psssttt....

Hello Bloggy Land!

SOOOOO,
With Alex leaving to go on "underways" every few weeks...
I've been trying to find a way to merge "life" blogging & OPSEC without breaking any rules.
Obviously when he's at sea for a few days, I can finally say that he's gone... as long as I dont say for how long & where he is... and lets face it... I never know the answers to that anyway lol

So now that I'm back,
I need to catch ya'll up on life in SamLand (:
I've decided to do several posts so that you don't have one REALLY long mess to read.

So here is an idea on what to expect the next few posts to be about:

-general update (:
-pictures in Hawaii
-getting through "underways"
-kitten baby update
-preparing for the 6 month deployment
-wedding planning for my sister!
-Lupus & natural medicine
-Going Organic

That just sums up a few of the posts that I will be doing to get every one caught up.
Also, I've been thinking about doing short vlogs every now & then?
I haven't decided 100% yet. But we will just have to wait & see! :D


I'm sorry for being gone for 5 or so months...
But at least I'm back right? (:

Picture from an outing with my handsome husband (: Isn't Hawaii breathtaking? 

It's been a while...

I honestly dont even remember the last time I've blogged.
How sad is that?
I started this blog over a year ago... when I fell in love with my US sailor.
I could have never imagined that we'd end up married and living in Hawaii!

I've grown so much through this blog. And sadly, I think I've started to grow away from it.

Alex has been deployed a few times now. Only for a few weeks at time... and in the fall, he sets out for his (longer than 6 months) deployment.
It hasn't been the easiest thing in the world... but it hasn't been the hardest either.
Getting used to the REAL Navy wife life took a bit of adjusting to, but with supportive friends and an amazing husband, I've been handling it pretty well.

Alex is currently at sea as I write this.
My best friend on the island, Michelle, just left my house.
And I'm all alone, watching the sunset over Honolulu... and I'm completely content with life.

I dont carry sadness in my heart when it comes to missing my family, and Alex... because I know that this is the path my life was always set to take. I'm so happy here! And more in love with my handsome man than ever before.

I'm sorry that I've been MIA for the past month (or however long)
I'll slowly get back into blogging...
but as of right now, it's just me, music, and this beautiful sunset (:

-Aloha auinapo-

Eeek

It's quarter after 9... And I'm laying in bed completely exhausted.
Only problem is, every time I hear a noise, my heart starts racing and I think someone is in my house.

I've had this problem for as long as I can remember. I guess I've just always been paranoid.

Well being an adult and completely alone in a giant house only makes the problem 57,839,472 times worse. :(

Tomorrow I'm calling a security company and putting these sleepless, scared to death nights to rest!

I need to gain courage and strength while Alex is away.

sail away...

I've avoided my blog lately...
My last post was about Alex coming home Sunday.

insert sappy love part here:
[When I saw his face my entire heart stopped. I have never been so excited to see someone in my entire life. Everything about him- every single movement he made in the first 10 seconds of being home made me fall even deeper in love with him. (: I really do love that man!]

About 5 minutes after her walked through the door, he told me that he was headed to sea again... Yeah.... that gave me yet ANOTHER 2 day notice. Only this time... he'll be gone for much longer.

I was so angry. He had just got home... and he had to leave again? I had all of these plans painted inside of my head of all the wonderful things we were going to do now that he was home. And one by one, they slowly faded.

We spent the afternoon visiting the kittens in quarantine. It was the first time our whole family had been together since we were in Florida.
The rest  of that day was spent eating snacks & watching movies. It was a blast (:
Monday came around and we woke up early to run errands. Welllll, it was Presidents Day, so we barely got anything done because everywhere was closed.

I taught Alex how to make brownies & then completely failed at trying to make dinner with the few supplies that we have. But it was another relaxing night spent cuddled on the couch with movies (:

He left SUPER early Tuesday morning... and of course I cried and spent the whole day in bed (I got a migraine from crying) and a piece of me has just felt missing ever since.

The night before he left, we cut our blanket in half. One side for him, and one side for me. No matter where we are on this earth, we will always complete each other <3
When his time in the Navy is up, we are going to sew the blanket back into one piece... and try our hardest to NEVER spend a night away from one another again.
Deployment is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through.
But I've discovered that as hard as it is for ME to watch him leave... It's even harder for him to have the willpower to do it. 

I love Alex with all of my heart. I truly do. And now more than ever, I really believe that everyone has a soulmate.

OMG!

Alex called me today!!!!

It was only about 30 seconds long....

BUT

he told me he's coming home!
He's been back in Hawaii...
but not able to get off the sub for a while.
But he's finally coming back to the house today!

:D

I've never been this excited for something! My heart has been racing all day... and I can't stop smiling.

I can't wait to be back in the arms of my sailor <3

blessing

This past week has been life changing.

I've never gone through something like this before. It's been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
Alex and I had only been here a week... and with only a 2 day notice, he deployed.
I knew that it would happen eventually... but it came out of nowhere and when we least expected it.
Moving all the way to Hawaii was hard enough without deployment thrown at us.
We only spent one night together in our new house... and every night since, I've gone to sleep alone.

I miss him so much. Every. Single. Day.

Through all the heartache we've endured in this whole process...
I'm coming to realize that absolutely everything happens for a reason.
This has been nothing short of a blessing in disguise.

The last month in NY was a tough one. We were both under so much stress all of the time. I think that we got caught up in life and started to take one another for granted. I didn't hesitate to get angry at him... and he slowly stopped bringing me flowers. I don't know exactly what happened to me. I just know that I felt trapped in our small apartment... Alex worked over 12 hours a day...and the sun didn't even shine in our town. It was depressing.

When Alex called me and told me that he was being deployed... my whole world literally stopped. Everything around me stood still. I just couldn't believe it. I wanted to hold onto him and never let him go.

The past week I've grown so much and I've discovered so much about myself. I've learned how to be a responsible adult. I've realized how much Alex really does for me.
Most importantly, I've gained such a stronger appreciation for him.

I love him NOW more than ever.

I'm so thankful that I was able to experience this. It's strengthened me and its made me change into a better person.
I'm so ready for him to be home... so I can give him all the love that he truly deserves.
And promise him that I will never take him for granted EVER again.