Update & Explanation

[first some pretty music 
for some pretty ears]

Okay...
Seriously... I may be the worst blogger on the planet. I was so excited to start updating my blog again and I even started a timeline entry to catch you guys up on the last few months.....

And then LIFE happened.


Basically, Alex's "deployment schedule" keeps changing and he keeps leaving. Honestly, it's been just one big mess.
I just found out via "boat email" that I'm only going to have a total of 4 days to see him before  he goes on the 6-12 month deployment this fall. (I don't think that violates OPSEC... let me know if it does)
But the 4 days are spread out and he may even have to work.... so I just don't think I'm really going to see my husband until sometime in late 2013. Blah.

But that's not the worst news.

To get started on a deeper and more serious topic, my dad has was diagnosed with prostate cancer about 12 years ago....
and he had been in remission for quite some time. The doctors started seeing some change in the growth a while back. I'm not sure how long ago because I asked my mom not to tell me anything unless it's REALLY serious.... because I can't handle things like that. I knew I'd get anxiety and I would flash all of these crazy images and basically lose my mind. I just love my dad too much to think about that stuff.
Well, he went in for a normal checkup a few weeks ago and the doctor thought he seen a new spot, but wasn't completely sure... so my mom told me and of course I was a mess. The next week when he went for his CAT scan, they determined that not only has the cancer spread into his spine and bones... but it's also spread into his blood.
And honestly, I'm choking up right now and epically failing my attempt to hold back tears.
How can it go from his "spot" slowly getting bigger.... to the cancer being completely spread throughout his entire body?!?
They gave him 6 or less years to live.............. it went from 20 to 6. just like that.
yeah.

He's going to be on treatments that make him really sick for the rest of his life.

So I've just really been a complete wreck lately.
I haven't spoken to any of my friends about it.... I haven't spoken to anyone about it really. My mom and Alex know how much it bothers me... but I haven't really expressed how deeply I'm hurting from all of this.
I think the worst of it is that I'm stuck on this island for another 3 1/2 years... and I feel so guilty. I should be at home with my family.... especially because Alex isn't even here.
I also HATE that my parents are struggling so hard with money... and their house falling apart... and my dad having to fight this cancer... they just don't deserve it.
It honestly kills me inside.


I'm going to try to continue to blog...
but I'm in a really weird place in my life right now.

“God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea”

Psalm 46:1-2 NLT

psssttt....

Hello Bloggy Land!

SOOOOO,
With Alex leaving to go on "underways" every few weeks...
I've been trying to find a way to merge "life" blogging & OPSEC without breaking any rules.
Obviously when he's at sea for a few days, I can finally say that he's gone... as long as I dont say for how long & where he is... and lets face it... I never know the answers to that anyway lol

So now that I'm back,
I need to catch ya'll up on life in SamLand (:
I've decided to do several posts so that you don't have one REALLY long mess to read.

So here is an idea on what to expect the next few posts to be about:

-general update (:
-pictures in Hawaii
-getting through "underways"
-kitten baby update
-preparing for the 6 month deployment
-wedding planning for my sister!
-Lupus & natural medicine
-Going Organic

That just sums up a few of the posts that I will be doing to get every one caught up.
Also, I've been thinking about doing short vlogs every now & then?
I haven't decided 100% yet. But we will just have to wait & see! :D


I'm sorry for being gone for 5 or so months...
But at least I'm back right? (:

Picture from an outing with my handsome husband (: Isn't Hawaii breathtaking? 

It's been a while...

I honestly dont even remember the last time I've blogged.
How sad is that?
I started this blog over a year ago... when I fell in love with my US sailor.
I could have never imagined that we'd end up married and living in Hawaii!

I've grown so much through this blog. And sadly, I think I've started to grow away from it.

Alex has been deployed a few times now. Only for a few weeks at time... and in the fall, he sets out for his (longer than 6 months) deployment.
It hasn't been the easiest thing in the world... but it hasn't been the hardest either.
Getting used to the REAL Navy wife life took a bit of adjusting to, but with supportive friends and an amazing husband, I've been handling it pretty well.

Alex is currently at sea as I write this.
My best friend on the island, Michelle, just left my house.
And I'm all alone, watching the sunset over Honolulu... and I'm completely content with life.

I dont carry sadness in my heart when it comes to missing my family, and Alex... because I know that this is the path my life was always set to take. I'm so happy here! And more in love with my handsome man than ever before.

I'm sorry that I've been MIA for the past month (or however long)
I'll slowly get back into blogging...
but as of right now, it's just me, music, and this beautiful sunset (:

-Aloha auinapo-

Eeek

It's quarter after 9... And I'm laying in bed completely exhausted.
Only problem is, every time I hear a noise, my heart starts racing and I think someone is in my house.

I've had this problem for as long as I can remember. I guess I've just always been paranoid.

Well being an adult and completely alone in a giant house only makes the problem 57,839,472 times worse. :(

Tomorrow I'm calling a security company and putting these sleepless, scared to death nights to rest!

I need to gain courage and strength while Alex is away.

sail away...

I've avoided my blog lately...
My last post was about Alex coming home Sunday.

insert sappy love part here:
[When I saw his face my entire heart stopped. I have never been so excited to see someone in my entire life. Everything about him- every single movement he made in the first 10 seconds of being home made me fall even deeper in love with him. (: I really do love that man!]

About 5 minutes after her walked through the door, he told me that he was headed to sea again... Yeah.... that gave me yet ANOTHER 2 day notice. Only this time... he'll be gone for much longer.

I was so angry. He had just got home... and he had to leave again? I had all of these plans painted inside of my head of all the wonderful things we were going to do now that he was home. And one by one, they slowly faded.

We spent the afternoon visiting the kittens in quarantine. It was the first time our whole family had been together since we were in Florida.
The rest  of that day was spent eating snacks & watching movies. It was a blast (:
Monday came around and we woke up early to run errands. Welllll, it was Presidents Day, so we barely got anything done because everywhere was closed.

I taught Alex how to make brownies & then completely failed at trying to make dinner with the few supplies that we have. But it was another relaxing night spent cuddled on the couch with movies (:

He left SUPER early Tuesday morning... and of course I cried and spent the whole day in bed (I got a migraine from crying) and a piece of me has just felt missing ever since.

The night before he left, we cut our blanket in half. One side for him, and one side for me. No matter where we are on this earth, we will always complete each other <3
When his time in the Navy is up, we are going to sew the blanket back into one piece... and try our hardest to NEVER spend a night away from one another again.
Deployment is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through.
But I've discovered that as hard as it is for ME to watch him leave... It's even harder for him to have the willpower to do it. 

I love Alex with all of my heart. I truly do. And now more than ever, I really believe that everyone has a soulmate.

OMG!

Alex called me today!!!!

It was only about 30 seconds long....

BUT

he told me he's coming home!
He's been back in Hawaii...
but not able to get off the sub for a while.
But he's finally coming back to the house today!

:D

I've never been this excited for something! My heart has been racing all day... and I can't stop smiling.

I can't wait to be back in the arms of my sailor <3

blessing

This past week has been life changing.

I've never gone through something like this before. It's been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
Alex and I had only been here a week... and with only a 2 day notice, he deployed.
I knew that it would happen eventually... but it came out of nowhere and when we least expected it.
Moving all the way to Hawaii was hard enough without deployment thrown at us.
We only spent one night together in our new house... and every night since, I've gone to sleep alone.

I miss him so much. Every. Single. Day.

Through all the heartache we've endured in this whole process...
I'm coming to realize that absolutely everything happens for a reason.
This has been nothing short of a blessing in disguise.

The last month in NY was a tough one. We were both under so much stress all of the time. I think that we got caught up in life and started to take one another for granted. I didn't hesitate to get angry at him... and he slowly stopped bringing me flowers. I don't know exactly what happened to me. I just know that I felt trapped in our small apartment... Alex worked over 12 hours a day...and the sun didn't even shine in our town. It was depressing.

When Alex called me and told me that he was being deployed... my whole world literally stopped. Everything around me stood still. I just couldn't believe it. I wanted to hold onto him and never let him go.

The past week I've grown so much and I've discovered so much about myself. I've learned how to be a responsible adult. I've realized how much Alex really does for me.
Most importantly, I've gained such a stronger appreciation for him.

I love him NOW more than ever.

I'm so thankful that I was able to experience this. It's strengthened me and its made me change into a better person.
I'm so ready for him to be home... so I can give him all the love that he truly deserves.
And promise him that I will never take him for granted EVER again.

Goodbye submarine.

Oh my gosh guys!
Soooo much has happened in the past few days.

Alex & I got a house!!! :D
2 story, 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom, private garage, laundry room w/ washer & dryer, gated yard w/ patio & garden area & it has solar panels!!

Yeah... Dream home much?? :D

We moved in on Friday... Because on Thursday....
ALEX FOUND OUT HE WAS DEPLOYING.

when? On Saturday!!!

That gave us 2 days to prepare/move.

They wouldn't release any details about how long he would be gone... When he was coming back... Or where he was going. No answers at all.

When he left Saturday afternoon, I cried until I didn't have anymore tears. I washed my face, calmed down & took a deep breath. I know I'm going to be okay. I have everything I need to survive on my own. I just have to learn how to be a big girl.

My friend Tara came over and rescued me for the night. (: Thank goodness I have her! I had a lot of fun with her (I always do) but it didn't matter how much I was smiling or laughing... My body has this permanent feeling of heartbreak & anxiety. I miss Alex so much.... It literally hurts.

Last night was my first night alone in the house. I called my mom & of course texted bff... She's my rock.
Tara checked on me every once and a while... And believe it or not... I WAS OKAY! (:

aside from missing Alex, I am happy. I'm so in love with my house! I'm active here... The sun shines here lol and I have an amazing friend here.

This is my first deployment, guys.
So far, so good.
My husband is in a submarine in the middle of the ocean somewhere.
But I'm okay.
Just please keep me in your prayers.
<3

Aloha from Hawaii

ALOHA!

I've neglected my blog..
WHY? you ask...
well because I LIVE IN HAWAII!

Yep, I made it here nice & safely on the 2nd. Which was almost a week ago.

Things have been moving so quickly... and believe it or not, I dont sit on my butt all day like I did in New York lol

I honestly dont even know where to begin...

We stayed in Waikiki the first few nights we were here. It was AMAZING! Everything you'd imagine Hawaii to be!
We even had a limo pick us up at the airport! Perfect way to start the next chapter of my life? I think so (:
Alex let me go on a mini shopping spree for some warm weather clothes... and I ended up only spending $200. Not bad.

On Sunday, we moved to a hotel closer to base. It's not too bad... but nothing like the one in Waikiki.
The mini-mart in the hotel lobby gave me food poisoning. YIPPEE.

But on a better note, I have friends here :D Who would have thought so soon.. right?
Melissa is visiting & I've know her for a while... though never met her in person until Monday. She introduced me to Tara, who is a marine wife & has been living here for over a year now. I love them both!


The kittens made it safely to Hawaii... but I haven't seen them yet :(
Alex got to see them a few days ago & said that they look pretty happy. Each of them have their own room and a fenced in outside area that they can play in! And of course they are loving that!! :D
They get out of quarantine June 1st... SO LONG!! But it will all be worth it in the end!

Something lately.

I have so much to update about. Like the fact that I spent last weekend Canada... Or that I spent the entire week packing my life away & then driving nonstop to Florida to visit my family before I move. & really, they each deserve their entire own post.
But until I have time to write about each thing... I really need to vent about life at this VERY moment.

I apologize in advance if you don't understand this... Because honestly, neither do I.

My whole world is flipped upside-down, inside-out & backwards.
I have been in Florida since Saturday. I have no desire to see any of my friends or go out and do anything. I just simply want to be with my family.
But part of me also wants to go back to New York. To MY life... Where I was the adult... And it was MY house... MY schedule, MY territory... MY own space to grow.
Ever since I've been back here, I feel like I'm in a timewarp. Like I didn't spend the last 9 months growing up... Or even left Polk County at all really. I keep having flash backs of high school... And feeling like the same I person I was back then. It's just really weird. At some points I like it... But most of the time I don't.

I'm just so overwhelmed. I miss Alex. I miss New York. I love Florida & my family, but I miss my "home".

It's 7 in the morning... I'm wide awake... And all I want to do is cry.

My life is so weird right now.

Everything is just moving so fast. I mean, we JUST got our orders a couple of weeks ago. And its like o blinked my eyes & we're in Florida now. Before I know it, we're gonna be on the plane to Hawaii... And my life will be in full speed trying to find a house & attempting to settle down.

I NEED A PAUSE BUTTON.
It's like I'm standing still & everything around me is zipping right past me... And I have no time to soak it up.

It's just weird.

hello, empty apartment

On Thursday, our whole house was packed away.

Alex and I spend Wednesday night cleaning & organizing everything for the movers to pack.
You see, when you have a military move... you dont pack your stuff.. THEY do.
Weird huh?!
So I piled everything in the dining room and put all the kitchen stuff on the counter- basically I made their job pretty easy (:
I felt so awkward though. I just sat on the couch & watched two old guys pack my life away & load it up in their truck.

SOOO we are stuck here until Friday, surviving off of paper plates & frozen dinners.
Our furniture is being picked up on Wednesday, so we have a bed for a couple more nights.

new smile

Alex and I went & talked with housing & personal property (movers)
& all of my stress is melting away :D

The only things that we haven't gotten figured out is WHERE exactly we are going to live and everything regarding the cats. Oh & our plane tickets.
But something about talking to everyone today made me so relaxed.
I know that everything will work itself out (:

ALSO...
Today I FINALLY GOT MY PERMANENT TOOTH!! :D
The dentist thought it would be a grand idea to NOT give me Novacaine. Worst idea ever! Lets just say it was the first time that I've ever cried at the dentist... and I DID get my Novacaine eventually :P lol

My new smile & my Vicoden makes me EXTRA happy ;) lol

Aloha

So basically, Alex and I are moving to paradise!
We are driving to Florida in a couple of weeks
& then flying from Orlando to Honolulu
around the 1st of February.

I still can't believe this is my life!! (:
I feel like it's a dream and I'm waiting to wake up...
apparently dreams DO indeed come true.
<3

depression by anxiety.

So, almost EVERYONE in Alex's section have their orders... except for Alex!!!!!

He knows how BADLY I want to know where we're going. So after work, he went up to the admin office to see what the deal was. They told him that the orders come in at 3am every day and to check online then to see if his come in.

Well, he decided to share that bit of info with me... and that's where he went wrong.

The whole rest of the day I stared at the clock... waiting and waiting for it to get closer and closer to 3.
I probably have THE WORST anxiety known to man... and once something like this is on my mind... it takes a whole lot for me to forget about it.

The night rolled in... and by 11:45 I was in bed. Just laying there... staring at the ceiling... bored... anxious... nervous... still just laying there.

Countless attempts to shut my eyes were easily defeated by the adrenaline that was cooking in my veins.

There was one thing on my mind. Just ONE thing. I wanted it to be 3:00.

FINALLLLLLLLYYYYYY!!!!!!

It was here! 3 am was HERE!

Now it was just me, my computer, and my typing fingers!!

And there it was.... IT.... was nothing.

NOTHING.

just nothing.

I felt all of the happiness drain out of my being.

All the adrenaline in my blood slowly turned into a flood of tears.

I just didn't understand WHY...

Why has everyone else received their orders & we haven't?

All the anxiety that was ripped out of me turned into disappointment.

I wanted to cry, scream, run in the snow naked... anything.

But instead I just crawled my hopeless body into bed.

And that is where I spent the entire day.

Wondering WHEN we will get our oders.

I hope you guys enjoyed my "Hyperbole & a half" inspired post! There will def be more to come!

One step closer

SOOO...
When Alex came home from work today, he mentioned that a few people in his section received their orders TODAY !!
Immediately I grabbed my computer & checked... AND... nothing. seriously?

The 2 guys that got their orders are not even qualified yet!.. and Alex has been since the beginning of December. He was like #3 in class to qualify. I dont understand.
But on a good note, Alex's graduation is still set up for Friday :D So maybe after he graduates we'll get our orders!
*fiiiingers crossed!*

To be honest, I dont want to move yet... I dont want to leave my beautiful New York... I just want to know where & when we are going. Then I will be at peace.

MilSpouse Quiz

Why not join in on the fun? MilSpouse quiz (:

1. How did you and your spouse meet?
OH GOSH... I have a whole page on here dedicated to it lol But long story short, we met at a theatre conference in high school (: He lived an hour away on the west coast of Florida and I lived smack dab in the middle!

2. How old were you when you two met?
We were both 17 when we met. Although I was turning 18 in a month (:

3. How long have you been together?
We started dating 2 after we met on November 27th 2010.

4. Where are you and your spouse orgionally from?
Well, I was born in Boston, Massachusetts... but raised in Polk County, Florida from the age of 8. Alex was born in Clearwater... and always lived there. So technically both of us are from the sunshine state (:

5. How did you feel about him joining the Military?
When I found out that Alex joined the Navy, I was definitely surprised. I was a bit skeptical about dating him because I NEVER wanted to be in a military relationship.I didn't like the fact that he would be deployed & I would be missing him. It just seemed like heartache that I could avoid.

6. Where did your spouse go to Basic Training?
Great Lakes, Illinois

7. Has your spouse ever been deployed?
Not yet... and hopefully no time soon.

8. Have you ever been to his promotion ceremony?
Well, I went to his Power School graduation... which was a pretty big deal. He graduates Prototype THIS FRIDAY... but I'm not going. For many many reasons.

9. Did you marry him before or after he joined?
After.

10. How long have you been a Military Wife?
Since September 14th 2011

11. How did your husband propose?
You know... there really never was a proposal. One day we just woke up and knew that we were going to be married. That was BEFORE I moved to New York of course. So we set a date after we got here & the rest is history (:

12. Where did you get married?
Milton, New York... in a small chapel by a Navy Veteran (:

13. How old were you two when you got married?
We were 20.

14. Did he wear his uniform on your wedding day?
Nope, we just wore our every day clothes. We plan on having a special wedding ceremony AFTER his first deployment with our families. Hopefully in Hawaii :D

15. Where are you and your spouse currently stationed?
Ballston Spa, New York (But we live 30 minutes away)

16. Do you live on Base?
No, we live in an upscale town in a VERY pricey "luxury apartment". It was completely renovated before we moved in & it's gorgeous! It's right at the edge of a woodsy area & facing a new shopping mall & movie theater. Basically, perfect.

17. How long were you married when you had to go through your first seperation?
Luckily, we haven't gotten that far yet.

18. What is your favorite base so far?
Well, we've only been here lol But I hope that our next base is ever BETTER.

19. Do you think your man looks good in his uniform?
Oh my.... abso-freakin-lutely! ;)

20. Do you think military life is more advanced than civilian life?
uhmm... I guess for that fact that we get military discount? lol idk

21. Do you like the benefits you recieve as a Military dependent?
I went from having NOTHING to having at least basics. So, YES!- yes times a million!

22. Do you have a lot of military wife friends?
Not really.... the ones that matter are, Jamie & Amanda.

23. What is the hardest part of Military life?
Definitely the hours! I hate HATE hate 3rd shift. But since he's qualified now, he doesn't work nearly as many hours. 

24. Do you own any military wife thing?
Well... I dont have anything that says "Military Wife" but as far as Navy gear... I'm decked out. Anchor jewelry... Nuclear Navy hoodies & pants, scrapbooking things & home decor lol I'm a little obsessed.

25. Do you support your spouse as a member of the Military?
Absolutely! We wouldn't have the life that we have otherwise. Of course there are times that I strongly dislike being a milspouse... but at the end of the day, I'm so thankful for this opportunity.

School

So after spending the last 8 months of my life living carefree in New York, I've decided that once Alex and I move, I'm going to SCHOOL.
I graduated in 2010... so I've had more than enough time off. & since I'm blessed to have Alex, all of my schooling is FREE. There are people that would kill to be in my position, so I can't just take it for granted.
My biggest problem is finding something that I actually WANT to do. I mean, I am the most indesicive person in the world. I change my mind about even the smallest things (like what color towels I want in the bathroom).

Picking out what I want to study has narrowed down quite a bit since I'm a milspouse. I have to find a career that works with all my traveling. But I want it to be something I can do even after Alex leaves the Navy. I also want to make sure that it's somewhat enjoyable and fairly easy going (because of my Lupus). I cant do a job that consists of a lot of running around, long hours, and super stressful. And of course- I want it to be job that I can feel a little pride in doing.

*I'm really not a school person, so it doesn't have to be something glorified... I just don't want to end up in a restaurant or working retail. But, the shorter the schooling, the better lol

For the longest time, I figured that I would just go to beauty school. Perfect right? Fun, simple, easy going.... WRONG. It randomly hit me one day that I really DON'T want to deal with people. I feel like it would be stressful... and I'm not completely comfortable altering someone that I'm not close to. So that idea is basically in the trash.
Then, after all of my dentist work, I figured that maybe I'd be a dental assistant. And technically you don't even have to go to school for that. But in the end I just don't really feel like it's ME. I'd probably puke watching someone getting their teeth out ripped out of their head.

After I took a break from the long debate on what I want to do with my life... it all came together.
Alex and I went over to Amanda's today and she was telling me about her classes that she's about to start. And after thinking about it... I think I want to do the SAME thing. I mean, I don't want to be stealing her dreams lol but I REALLY think this is it...

A pharmacy technician!!

It's perfect in so many ways.
-I dont have to take the SAT's (which I've always been terrified of).
-I can do the schooling online.
-It's a fairly easygoing job.
-I wouldn't mind making a career out of it.
-I can travel and ALWAYS have somewhere to work... from stores to hospitals to even just working on base.
See, PERFECT.

So I think this it. I'd like to hear some opinions on it... so comment below or text/call me or even FB me.